A Wellwood Abroad: Behind Enemy Lines

I'm back, and although I assume most of you have moved on to more frequently updated blogs, I promise to do better this time.  In my defence, I had a lot going on these past few months.  After working for the BC government for 3 years, I decided I'd had enough of civil service life.  I applied and was accepted into the best post-grad Advertising Copywriting program in Canada!  I quit my job and uprooted myself from my comfy happy place (aka Kitsilano, the proverbial "yoga pants" of Vancouver neighbourhoods), and moved all the way to the Big Smoke.  The Centre of the Universe.  Onterrible.  Leafs Nation.  I feel dirty just saying it.

I realize that our namesake Kyle Wellwood did at one point don the blue and white super stripey socks of the Maple Leafs, but that's not enough to convince me that I'm not behind enemy lines right now.  I'm in the trenches... in a dark and scary place where milk comes in bags (BAGS!), and house centipedes exist (Seriously.  One tried to climb my leg in the shower the other day.  I'm lucky to be alive).

But it hasn't been all bad, I guess.  Despite what everyone out West may tell you, the Torontonians I have met have all been really friendly.  Sure, everyone smokes cigarettes and nobody has an inside voice.  Sure, they'll honk at you for crossing at a crosswalk.  But they're really no different from you or I.  I think maybe these things are just a reaction to having the Leafs, Jays and Raptors as sporting entertainment.  Admit it... another Stanley Cup Finals loss would drive a lot of Vancouverites to new vices and bouts of erratic yelling.  These poor people haven't even seen their team make the playoffs for the better part of a decade-- of course they're a tad edgy! At heart, the Torontonians are just really proud of their city, regardless of the fact that they spend most of their time defending it from the verbal and written attacks of, well, everyone else.

Anyway, I hope you'll all stay tuned, because I'm going to make a concerted effort to find time in between advertising assignments and update this blog.  I feel like Jane Goodall out here, and Toronto is my scary, misty place full of gorillas.

And of course I'll be reporting in from the Street Hockey National Championships, which are taking place in Victoria's Inner Harbour, October 28-29.  We had a few of our Twitter followers come and cheer us on last year, and we'd love to see you again!

That's all for now... if you don't hear from me in the next month, assume that I fell into Lake Ontario and became a mutant.  Captain Morgan out!

Good News, Everyone!!



These are exciting times in Wellwoodland!  Today's good news is fourfold:

1. It's Vote For The Wellwoods Day!!  Our promo video is going up against 5 other finalists to see who's going to take home the big prize of free road hockey registration for life!  Between noon and midnight Pacific today, go to this link: http://www.facebook.com/#!/hnicplayon and click "Like" on our Destiny video.  You don't have to Like us on YouTube... just on the Facebook page (although both are appreciated!).  Then for the love of Welly, share the link with your friends!  Our goal is to get 1000 Likes by midnight.  Ambitious?  Maybe... but we know we can do it with your help.  Please do this for us today!

2. The Wellwoods are going to Ottawa!!!  For the past two years, Street Hockey National Championships were conveniently held right on our doorstep in Victoria, B.C.  We qualified again this year (see black eye on Kim Allan in the photo above) and we know we can win the whole shabang this time around.  However, this year they're moving the whole thing back East.  Rumour has it that they want to hold the street hockey tournament right outside of Parliament so that we can all show off our dangles for Stevie.  This means we'll have to do a bit of either fundraising or hitchhiking, and I would prefer not to have to do the latter.  Maybe we'll have a pub night or something...

3. We're going to have a contest!  People have asked me if they can buy our "Training = Cheating" shirts, and while I would be happy to take their money, I would be even happier if I could get them to jump through hoops to prove their worth.  Not only will there be authentic Wellwoods shirts up for grabs (featuring crests ironed on by yours truly), but Granville Island Brewing has offered to step up to the plate and provide additional prizes!  This will not be your ordinary Twitter contest.  You will need to possess all Three Pillars of Kyle Wellwood (softhandssharpmindsoveralladorableness) if you want to take home the title of... wait for it... the TRIWELLWOOD CHAMPION!!  *thunderclap*  *lensflare*

4. We're playing street hockey with Five Hole For Food next Saturday, July 9th!  Follow them on Twitter @FiveHoleForFood for details.  Pass It To Bulis's own supreme poobah Harrison Mooney challenged us to a  game months ago, and it's safe to say we haven't been training for it at all since then, so you know we're ready.  Apparently we're pretty intimidating... we've already scared PITB's Daniel Wagner off into the wilderness, and Tanner Glass has vanished off the planet.  So it may end up being a split squad game, but there will be a game nonetheless, and it will be for a good cause!  Bring a can of food and check it out.  

Attention Internet: The Wellwoods need your help tomorrow!

Remember our Destiny video?  It's been named a finalist (top 5) in CBC's "Street Can't Even Handle Me Right Now" video contest!  Huzzah!!  And if we win, we will receive free registration in our road hockey tournaments, FOR LIFE.  This is truly awesome, because when we started making the video we had no intention of entering it into a contest at all.  I just like to make videos for fun, and my boyfriend has a video camera I have a video camera! 

But here's the catch: CBC won't be judging the videos in any sort of subjective fashion.  There are no judges, so unfortunately no amount of eyelash-batting can win us this thing.  Instead, they are going to post the top 5 videos on their Facebook page for one day each, and whoever gets the most "Likes" on their day wins.  So yeah, it kinda feels like our video is vying for Homecoming Queen or something.  Oh well.  We still want to win.  And that's where you lovely people come in.

We need you to log into Facebook on Wednesday June 29 (noon to midnight Pacific time), go to the "Play On" Facebook page, and click "Like" on our video. 

I know, I know, these sorts of contests are the WORST.  Nobody likes being badgered into "Liking" something that they may or may not like so that somebody else can win a prize.  It just seems wrong.  And I don't want you to grudgingly like us or pity-like us.  I want you to legitimately like us!  So without further ado, here are ten reasons why you should legitimately like our video, and therefore vote for it on Wednesday.

1. Everyone else is doing it. (I hear this works well on Vancouverites) 
2. Muffins.  We filmed the whole thing in our spare time on a budget of zero dollars, unless you count our exorbitant muffin budget. We briefly (but seriously) considered featuring shots of a said muffins in the final cut.  We now have enough stock footage of muffins to make a whole other video.  If you like muffins, I submit that you therefore like The Wellwoods.
3. Magic.  We magically turned one Gentle Ben into three Gentle Bens, using actual magic.  And who doesn't like MAGIC.
4. We overcame challenges.  For example, one challenge was getting the girls to stop nuzzling the furry windscreen on the boom mic.  I'm sure all professional film crews struggle with this problem.
5. Sacrifice.  To get the shot by the Olympic Cauldron, Haleigh volunteered to get up at 4:30am.  She is a good sport, and you will be too if you vote for us.  Don't let her loss of sleep be in vain.
6. Dedication.  You see that wicked Jason goalie mask that was shown for maybe 1/3 of a second total?  I drove all the way from Kitsilano into Deepest Darkest Surrey to borrow that from a coworker's friend on the day before filming.  That is commitment right there.
7. Nudity.  At 0:22, pause the video and you will see that I am not wearing pants.  I can't believe nobody has spotted that yet.  Seriously, Daniel from Pass It To Bulis took the time to break down our chess strategy (we had none), and yet nobody noticed the pantless goalie. COME ON!!!
8. Canine hijinx.  Getting the shots of Gentle Ben sitting still involved minutes and minutes of watching him lick his parts.  Even in the final cut, look at the Gentle Ben on the right... he's going back for more!!
9. If you were in a silly Facebook contest we would toootally vote for you :)
10. If we win, I promise to release the uncut raw footage of my Hallway Karate, complete with battle cries.  I injured myself to get that shot.  There is also footage of Kim doing lunges, Kat forgetting how to wink, and Kos yelling "SHAZAAM" so loud that the audio got distorted and we couldn't use it.  I'm thinking I'll just hold the entire blooper reel hostage until you guys "Like" us to victory!

A Wellwood Salute: Marathon Runners Who Don't Train.

This guy doesn't know it yet, but we're making him an Honourary Wellwood.  Not only did he complete a full marathon without training at all (a feat once accomplished by our very own Laura Kosakoski, who does not recommend it), but he did it dressed up like Captain America, had a killer moustache, and live-tweeted as he ran.  You should definitely read the Twitter transcript (Twitscript??), linked above.  Like our heros on the Darwin Ice Hockey Club, this man clearly subscribes to the Wellwoodian "Training is Cheating" philosophy; technically he won the marathon, because everyone else cheated!

@JVA222, WE SALUTE YOU!

Cement hands, dull minds, and overall childishness: Rioters are the worst.

Apologies for the past week of silence.  Since Game 7, I have sat down three times and attempted to write about the game, the riots, etc., and haven't been able to do it.  Every time I try, I go into a blind rage and have to eat my feelings again (die, nanaimo bars, die!).  At this point it feels like everything has already been said, so rather than pontificate on the shameful state of society or get involved in the blame game, I'll just tell my story...

Don't do this to me, Vancouver.

"Not like this... not like this."

After the final whistle, this was my response to Game 4 of the Stanley Cup Finals.

1. Swear words.
2. Half chicken dinner at Swiss Chalet.
3. ANGRYSLEEP.

It was more of a visceral reaction than anything else.  And now that 12+ hours have passed, frankly I'm still not ready to talk about it. 

I'm sitting at my desk knowing that every single person in the office is likely going to ask me about the game, because they know I'm a fan.  I'm dreading the moment when I get asked "How 'bout those Canucks?" because if I were to respond truthfully, I would say the following.

"Actually, the Canucks are NOT okay right now.  They are distracted as a group!  Kesler is clearly injured!  Luongo is rattled!  Bieksa needs Hamhuis back!  Ballard isn't doing himself any favours!  Sedin is losing faceoffs!  The Bruins are motivated and are winning virtually every puck battle!  And the Vancouver fans are acting like the series is already over!  Things are NOT good right now!!"

Then I would realize that I sound just like every "Mike from Surrey" who somehow gets by the Team 1040 call screener after a loss, and would probably have to sit down and quietly rock back and forth for a while.

So to keep anyone from asking me about the game, I've just been staring daggers at everyone who walks in the door.  Hopefully they can sense my volatile state and will leave me alone.

Gentle Ben's Game 3 Prediction?

"Rets Ro Rannik Ransen!!"

**EDIT** Jannik Hansen scored a goal for Gentle Ben!!  (too bad they lost 8-1...)