A Wellwood Abroad presents: The Day the Muppets Were a LIE.

So a funny thing happened to me yesterday.

First, the backstory: I had made tentative plans over Facebook with Haleigh (a fellow Wellwood who is also stuck in Toronto for the year) to go see the Muppets this week.  I was having a stressful few weeks of school, needed a break from reality, and a Muppet movie sounded like just the ticket.  She suggested Wednesday.  I concurred, looked up showtimes, and suggested an 8pm show downtown, since I finish class at 6.  Then I didn't hear from her for a couple days and forgot about it.

Flash forward to Wednesday at 5:45pm.  I was in my Mac Applications class flipping through fonts.  I had long-since given up on any Muppet plans, having texted Haleigh a couple of times and not heard back.  But suddently, a wild Facebook message appeared:

Had I been thinking clearly, this would have raised several questions:

1. Why is the Muppets playing at the CBC building?
2. Why is Haleigh making me race downtown to the 7pm show when there are plenty of later ones?
3. How the H-E-doublehockeysticks am I going to get from my campus on the lakeshore to the CBC building in under an hour???

But I didn't ask any of those questions.  Maybe it was the 3.5 hours of staring at typefaces, or the 10 hours of school, or the fact that I hadn't eaten anything but a muffin all day, but in my mind, the time for asking questions was over.  It was time for Muppets, goddammit.  POPCORN AND MUPPETS.

Cue Amazing Race Mode.  I ran to the bus stop, took a bus to the subway, then took the subway all the way downtown, transferred to a different subway, got to King Station and started running towards the CBC headquarters.  I realized there was no way I could make it in time, so on the way I messaged Haleigh suggesting that we should go to an 8:00 show instead.  This was her response via text message:

"Lol, it is an event so Sami was invited and bringing us...
just be there by quarter to."

This should have raised several more valid questions.  

I knew that "Sami" was Sami Jo Small (former Team Canada goalie, slash Haleigh Callison's housemate), and that she probably gets invited to stuff pretty regularly, but why a Muppets premiere?  And wasn't the Muppets premiere a week ago??  And why would there be a Muppets event at the CBC?   And why did my suggestion of a different showtime get a 'lol' response???  I should have asked all of these, but it was already 7:00, so instead of using my brain, I just ran faster.  All I could think about was what a hilarious combo Kermit the Frog and Jason Segel would make. 

After asking several Torontonians for directions, I charged through the doors at the CBC and the lobby was empty.  Everyone was already inside the theatre.  I quickly told the check-in table I was with Sami Jo Small, grabbed a program, checked my coat and backpack, and entered the darkened theatre.  Whatever was on the screen definitely wasn't the Muppets.  "Whew!" I thought, "I didn't even miss all the previews!"  

The theatre was packed and dark, so I knew I couldn't possibly find Haleigh and Sami.  I took a seat in the back row and caught my breath.  The preview I was watching was about a Norwegian speed skater at the Lillehammer Olympics.  "Weird," I mused to myself, "must be a trailer for a CBC documentary or something."  It took me a good 10 minutes before I finally sensed that something was amiss.  

Then it dawned on me.  "Wait a minute... this is an awfully well-dressed crowd for a Muppet movie... and why am I watching an African child assemble a machine gun?"  

My eyes had adjusted to the darkness, revealing that everyone around me was in suits and ties.  I felt my stomach drop... where the heck was I??  With extreme caution, I nervously glanced down at the program in my lap that I hadn't bothered to look at yet.

It wasn't a program.  It was a donation form.

I was at a fundraiser for Right To Play.

Damn you, Haleigh Callison.  Damn you.

And now here I am, a day later, more acutely aware than ever that the world is full of suffering, more stressed out about school than ever, and worst of all, I still haven't seen the Muppets.

Good news and bad news

Hey Y'all,

So I got back from the National Championships in Victoria two Sundays ago and I'm just now getting around to writing about it. I blame the fact that I am enrolled in writing school for my lack of writing.  You heard me.

As some of you may already know, we did not achieve the sweeping victory we were hoping for at Nationals.  After waltzing through our first two games against Regina and Lambton Shores with a +12 goal differential, we were feeling a bit cheeky and overconfident.  Then we got down by a couple of goals early against the Victoria Extreme and just couldn't come back, and before we knew it we were eliminated in the Quarterfinals.

It would be easy for me to blame the loss on our total lack of any defensive structure, so that's exactly what I'm going to do.  Victoria blocked a ton of shots, keeping us to the outside all game, whereas our designated shot-blocker, Kali-Ann Cameron, was listed as day-to-day with an explodinated knee.

So the good news going forward is that we know what we need to do.  The women's teams that were successful in the tournament (Victoria, Edmonton, and the Burnaby Hawks) all played a pretty tactical defensive style.  Their strategy may have been superior to ours ("MORE LONG BOMB PASSES!!  JUST GIVE 900 PERCENT!!").  We'll probably have a meeting in the off-season to discuss the possibility of adding defence to our repertoire.  There will be timbits.

More good news is that we got some truly outstanding footage, courtesy of Staff Videographer Slash Boyfriend Michael Seifert, who stood in the rain with a camera all weekend like a champ.  If and when I ever get a break from writing ads for Baconnaise, I will start editing and hopefully get our mini-documentary done over the Christmas break. Video highlights include a seagull stealing Bergy's insole, a very giggly ferry ride, and the secret recipe for Kos's special homemade gluten-free cake.

There's also some more bad news... Bergy is leaving us and moving back to Norway!  She got a job as Assistant to the Regional Manager of the country or something;  we were too distraught to listen to her explanation.  Also there was cake, and we were distracted.  We will all miss Bergy - in addition to having the softest hands on the team, she's probably the nicest person you'll ever meet.   We're certain that she will rise through the ranks and be Queen of Norway before the year is out.

Let's try to end this post on a positive note.  We had an awesome night out in Victoria to cap off the weekend, and I somehow made it to the ferry the next morning, then straight to the airport, flew back to Toronto, and even made it to class the next morning.  Now it's just over a month until I get to come home to Vancouver for the holidays and see everyone again.  Kim Allan is moving to Prince George for the remainder of her med school, but hopefully she'll be back for regionals in the Summer.  We're even thinking about road tripping up to Kelowna for an extra Play On tournament this year!

Okay, that's all, folks.  Time to go back to writing cheesy taglines and snarky tweets about the Canucks. (follow us @TheWellwoods!).  Later, skaters.

A Wellwood Abroad: Behind Enemy Lines

I'm back, and although I assume most of you have moved on to more frequently updated blogs, I promise to do better this time.  In my defence, I had a lot going on these past few months.  After working for the BC government for 3 years, I decided I'd had enough of civil service life.  I applied and was accepted into the best post-grad Advertising Copywriting program in Canada!  I quit my job and uprooted myself from my comfy happy place (aka Kitsilano, the proverbial "yoga pants" of Vancouver neighbourhoods), and moved all the way to the Big Smoke.  The Centre of the Universe.  Onterrible.  Leafs Nation.  I feel dirty just saying it.

I realize that our namesake Kyle Wellwood did at one point don the blue and white super stripey socks of the Maple Leafs, but that's not enough to convince me that I'm not behind enemy lines right now.  I'm in the trenches... in a dark and scary place where milk comes in bags (BAGS!), and house centipedes exist (Seriously.  One tried to climb my leg in the shower the other day.  I'm lucky to be alive).

But it hasn't been all bad, I guess.  Despite what everyone out West may tell you, the Torontonians I have met have all been really friendly.  Sure, everyone smokes cigarettes and nobody has an inside voice.  Sure, they'll honk at you for crossing at a crosswalk.  But they're really no different from you or I.  I think maybe these things are just a reaction to having the Leafs, Jays and Raptors as sporting entertainment.  Admit it... another Stanley Cup Finals loss would drive a lot of Vancouverites to new vices and bouts of erratic yelling.  These poor people haven't even seen their team make the playoffs for the better part of a decade-- of course they're a tad edgy! At heart, the Torontonians are just really proud of their city, regardless of the fact that they spend most of their time defending it from the verbal and written attacks of, well, everyone else.

Anyway, I hope you'll all stay tuned, because I'm going to make a concerted effort to find time in between advertising assignments and update this blog.  I feel like Jane Goodall out here, and Toronto is my scary, misty place full of gorillas.

And of course I'll be reporting in from the Street Hockey National Championships, which are taking place in Victoria's Inner Harbour, October 28-29.  We had a few of our Twitter followers come and cheer us on last year, and we'd love to see you again!

That's all for now... if you don't hear from me in the next month, assume that I fell into Lake Ontario and became a mutant.  Captain Morgan out!

Good News, Everyone!!



These are exciting times in Wellwoodland!  Today's good news is fourfold:

1. It's Vote For The Wellwoods Day!!  Our promo video is going up against 5 other finalists to see who's going to take home the big prize of free road hockey registration for life!  Between noon and midnight Pacific today, go to this link: http://www.facebook.com/#!/hnicplayon and click "Like" on our Destiny video.  You don't have to Like us on YouTube... just on the Facebook page (although both are appreciated!).  Then for the love of Welly, share the link with your friends!  Our goal is to get 1000 Likes by midnight.  Ambitious?  Maybe... but we know we can do it with your help.  Please do this for us today!

2. The Wellwoods are going to Ottawa!!!  For the past two years, Street Hockey National Championships were conveniently held right on our doorstep in Victoria, B.C.  We qualified again this year (see black eye on Kim Allan in the photo above) and we know we can win the whole shabang this time around.  However, this year they're moving the whole thing back East.  Rumour has it that they want to hold the street hockey tournament right outside of Parliament so that we can all show off our dangles for Stevie.  This means we'll have to do a bit of either fundraising or hitchhiking, and I would prefer not to have to do the latter.  Maybe we'll have a pub night or something...

3. We're going to have a contest!  People have asked me if they can buy our "Training = Cheating" shirts, and while I would be happy to take their money, I would be even happier if I could get them to jump through hoops to prove their worth.  Not only will there be authentic Wellwoods shirts up for grabs (featuring crests ironed on by yours truly), but Granville Island Brewing has offered to step up to the plate and provide additional prizes!  This will not be your ordinary Twitter contest.  You will need to possess all Three Pillars of Kyle Wellwood (softhandssharpmindsoveralladorableness) if you want to take home the title of... wait for it... the TRIWELLWOOD CHAMPION!!  *thunderclap*  *lensflare*

4. We're playing street hockey with Five Hole For Food next Saturday, July 9th!  Follow them on Twitter @FiveHoleForFood for details.  Pass It To Bulis's own supreme poobah Harrison Mooney challenged us to a  game months ago, and it's safe to say we haven't been training for it at all since then, so you know we're ready.  Apparently we're pretty intimidating... we've already scared PITB's Daniel Wagner off into the wilderness, and Tanner Glass has vanished off the planet.  So it may end up being a split squad game, but there will be a game nonetheless, and it will be for a good cause!  Bring a can of food and check it out.  

Attention Internet: The Wellwoods need your help tomorrow!

Remember our Destiny video?  It's been named a finalist (top 5) in CBC's "Street Can't Even Handle Me Right Now" video contest!  Huzzah!!  And if we win, we will receive free registration in our road hockey tournaments, FOR LIFE.  This is truly awesome, because when we started making the video we had no intention of entering it into a contest at all.  I just like to make videos for fun, and my boyfriend has a video camera I have a video camera! 

But here's the catch: CBC won't be judging the videos in any sort of subjective fashion.  There are no judges, so unfortunately no amount of eyelash-batting can win us this thing.  Instead, they are going to post the top 5 videos on their Facebook page for one day each, and whoever gets the most "Likes" on their day wins.  So yeah, it kinda feels like our video is vying for Homecoming Queen or something.  Oh well.  We still want to win.  And that's where you lovely people come in.

We need you to log into Facebook on Wednesday June 29 (noon to midnight Pacific time), go to the "Play On" Facebook page, and click "Like" on our video. 

I know, I know, these sorts of contests are the WORST.  Nobody likes being badgered into "Liking" something that they may or may not like so that somebody else can win a prize.  It just seems wrong.  And I don't want you to grudgingly like us or pity-like us.  I want you to legitimately like us!  So without further ado, here are ten reasons why you should legitimately like our video, and therefore vote for it on Wednesday.

1. Everyone else is doing it. (I hear this works well on Vancouverites) 
2. Muffins.  We filmed the whole thing in our spare time on a budget of zero dollars, unless you count our exorbitant muffin budget. We briefly (but seriously) considered featuring shots of a said muffins in the final cut.  We now have enough stock footage of muffins to make a whole other video.  If you like muffins, I submit that you therefore like The Wellwoods.
3. Magic.  We magically turned one Gentle Ben into three Gentle Bens, using actual magic.  And who doesn't like MAGIC.
4. We overcame challenges.  For example, one challenge was getting the girls to stop nuzzling the furry windscreen on the boom mic.  I'm sure all professional film crews struggle with this problem.
5. Sacrifice.  To get the shot by the Olympic Cauldron, Haleigh volunteered to get up at 4:30am.  She is a good sport, and you will be too if you vote for us.  Don't let her loss of sleep be in vain.
6. Dedication.  You see that wicked Jason goalie mask that was shown for maybe 1/3 of a second total?  I drove all the way from Kitsilano into Deepest Darkest Surrey to borrow that from a coworker's friend on the day before filming.  That is commitment right there.
7. Nudity.  At 0:22, pause the video and you will see that I am not wearing pants.  I can't believe nobody has spotted that yet.  Seriously, Daniel from Pass It To Bulis took the time to break down our chess strategy (we had none), and yet nobody noticed the pantless goalie. COME ON!!!
8. Canine hijinx.  Getting the shots of Gentle Ben sitting still involved minutes and minutes of watching him lick his parts.  Even in the final cut, look at the Gentle Ben on the right... he's going back for more!!
9. If you were in a silly Facebook contest we would toootally vote for you :)
10. If we win, I promise to release the uncut raw footage of my Hallway Karate, complete with battle cries.  I injured myself to get that shot.  There is also footage of Kim doing lunges, Kat forgetting how to wink, and Kos yelling "SHAZAAM" so loud that the audio got distorted and we couldn't use it.  I'm thinking I'll just hold the entire blooper reel hostage until you guys "Like" us to victory!

A Wellwood Salute: Marathon Runners Who Don't Train.

This guy doesn't know it yet, but we're making him an Honourary Wellwood.  Not only did he complete a full marathon without training at all (a feat once accomplished by our very own Laura Kosakoski, who does not recommend it), but he did it dressed up like Captain America, had a killer moustache, and live-tweeted as he ran.  You should definitely read the Twitter transcript (Twitscript??), linked above.  Like our heros on the Darwin Ice Hockey Club, this man clearly subscribes to the Wellwoodian "Training is Cheating" philosophy; technically he won the marathon, because everyone else cheated!

@JVA222, WE SALUTE YOU!

Cement hands, dull minds, and overall childishness: Rioters are the worst.

Apologies for the past week of silence.  Since Game 7, I have sat down three times and attempted to write about the game, the riots, etc., and haven't been able to do it.  Every time I try, I go into a blind rage and have to eat my feelings again (die, nanaimo bars, die!).  At this point it feels like everything has already been said, so rather than pontificate on the shameful state of society or get involved in the blame game, I'll just tell my story...

Don't do this to me, Vancouver.

"Not like this... not like this."

After the final whistle, this was my response to Game 4 of the Stanley Cup Finals.

1. Swear words.
2. Half chicken dinner at Swiss Chalet.
3. ANGRYSLEEP.

It was more of a visceral reaction than anything else.  And now that 12+ hours have passed, frankly I'm still not ready to talk about it. 

I'm sitting at my desk knowing that every single person in the office is likely going to ask me about the game, because they know I'm a fan.  I'm dreading the moment when I get asked "How 'bout those Canucks?" because if I were to respond truthfully, I would say the following.

"Actually, the Canucks are NOT okay right now.  They are distracted as a group!  Kesler is clearly injured!  Luongo is rattled!  Bieksa needs Hamhuis back!  Ballard isn't doing himself any favours!  Sedin is losing faceoffs!  The Bruins are motivated and are winning virtually every puck battle!  And the Vancouver fans are acting like the series is already over!  Things are NOT good right now!!"

Then I would realize that I sound just like every "Mike from Surrey" who somehow gets by the Team 1040 call screener after a loss, and would probably have to sit down and quietly rock back and forth for a while.

So to keep anyone from asking me about the game, I've just been staring daggers at everyone who walks in the door.  Hopefully they can sense my volatile state and will leave me alone.

Gentle Ben's Game 3 Prediction?

"Rets Ro Rannik Ransen!!"

**EDIT** Jannik Hansen scored a goal for Gentle Ben!!  (too bad they lost 8-1...)

A Sharp Minds Tidbit: The Curse of the Number 11

"Destiny never turtles.  Unless you mean chocolate turtles."

If you've been following us on Twitter, then you probably know that the Wellwoods have a certain affinity for Destiny.  And if you're a Canucks fan, then you are no doubt familiar with the Curse Of The Number 11.  Here's the Cole's Notes version:

1970: At the expansion draft, a numbered wheel is spun to determine whether the Canucks or Sabres will pick first.  Any number less than 11, and the Canucks will pick first.  The wheel lands on 11.  The Canucks brass, thinking it landed on 1, misguidedly celebrate.  The Sabres get first pick, and the curse is born.

1972: Canucks forward Wayne Maki, who wore #11, dies from brain cancer.  Fun fact: Wayne Maki once cracked a guy's skull open in a good old-fashioned "stick swinging fight"... something you don't see too often in the New NHL.

1994: The Canucks reach the Stanley Cup Final, and lose to the Rangers, led by some bald jerk who wore #11.  I don't want to talk about it.

You ruin everything, RUINER!!

1997: The Canucks inexplicably decide to sign that same bald jerk, bringing back Wayne Maki's old #11, which was never officially retired.  Trevor Linden gives him the captaincy, and the Curse Monsters get pissed off big time.  Captained and coached by the very people who broke the city's heart in 1994, the team goes into a death spiral.  For three painful years, the best we could hope for was the possibility of a Donald Brashear fight.  In the hockey world, that is the definition of "grim."

AND NOW:  The year is 2011, it's the Sedins' 11th year on the team (and they both wear numbers that are multiples of 11), and we have a shot at the Cup.  If the Bruins take the series, the curse will live on, but if the Canucks win, then we may finally be able to put the Curse Monsters, the Ghost of Wayne Maki, the Big Evil Spinning Wheel, Mark Messier's Stupid Face, and our collective doomsday complex as fans, behind us.

I'm not saying it's Destiny... but it's clearly Destiny.

Vancouver fans deserve a Koala Hug.

In the playoffs, there's something about game days that isn't condusive to maintaining one's sanity.  The entire day is a big lead-up to the puck drop at 5pm.  Clocks slow down to a crawl, and tensions rise throughout the day.  Yesterday, after a seven day break, my Canucks had their first appearance in a Stanley Cup Final game since I was eight years old.  Needless to say, I was kinda jacked up for it.

The thing is, when you're eight years old, you don't spend the whole day fretting over where you're going to watch the game.  Things like the HDTV Proximity/Quantity Ratio and the Nacho Topping Density Scale don't factor into the mix at that age.  Plus, when you're eight, it's actually impossible to have 17 years of disappointment under your belt.  I was so blissfully ignorant... I just assumed that it was normal for the Canucks to be in the finals and that it happened every year.  I was mostly excited about the prospect of getting to eat dinner in front of the TV.  1994 was a much simpler time. 

But things are different now.  As a 25-year-old Canucks fan, I have been conditioned to worry about my team.  My brain is now a hypersensitive network of alarm bells just waiting to sound.  By the time I got to leave work at 4:30 yesterday, I was a walking bundle of frayed nerves.  By the end of the anthems, my eyes were bugging out of my head.  And by the time the similarly bug-eyed Raffi Torres put the game on ice with 19 seconds left, I was delirious. Not to mention several beers deep. 

The point I'm trying to make is that the playoffs don't just take their toll on the players.  Sure, we as fans may not know what it feels like to get caught between a Zdeno Chara and a hard place, but we've endured six weeks of mental and physical punishment ourselves at this point.  Day in and day out, we punish our livers, our stomachs, our vocal chords and our sleep schedules.  All for a little taste of that Stanley Cup Final feeling that we couldn't appreciate properly when we were eight.

Hockey fans of Vancouver, you're up 1-0 in the Stanley Cup Final, and you EARNED this Koala Hug:

There there, it's okay... just 3 more wins...

Soft Hands Of The Week - The Darwin Ice Hockey Club

Okay, enough idle chit chat.  Let's get the ball rolling!  And what better way to kick off the blog (and the Stanley Cup Finals) than by paying tribute to the reigning undefeated world champions of ice hockey, the Darwin Ice Hockey Club:

Clearly they abide by our mantra ("training is cheating"), and therefore I support them.  I also have a new goal in life, and that is for the Wellwoods to travel to Darwin and challenge the entire town to a game of "beach hockey."  You hear that, Darwin, Australia??  We're coming for you, and we don't care that your hockey team is middle-aged and fictional.  This is what NEITHER of us have been training for OUR WHOLE LIVES. 

Hello World.

Welcome to the Vancouver Wellwoods' blog, which still needs a name. 

I'm your host, Morgan Tierney.  I'm the captain/goalie of the Wellwoods and, at least until the crushing media pressure starts to interfere with my performance causing me to step down and give the 'C' to a rising-star forward, I will be running things around here. 

So, what should you expect to find here?  I thought long and hard about this.  Because we only participate in a few events per year (regionals, nationals, and the odd charity event), we are definitely going to need more content than just Wellwoods stuff.  And as much as I like talking about myself (who doesn't?) my life lacks the requisite "eventfulness" demanded by readers of the great wide Blogoblog. Nobody cares about my breakfast, my station wagon, or my government job.  Not even me.

Another option would be for me to write a straight-up Canucks blog... it would be easy for me because my Canuck obsession dates back twenty-something years and shows no signs of slowing down.  But that would only serve to tread on the toes of other awesome, hilarious blogs like Pass It To Bulis and the Kurtenblog.  Try as I might, I simply cannot be as funny as them.  Thus, after much deliberation, I've decided that our blog, like our team, will be built around the Three Pillars of Kyle Wellwood, and will consist of the following:

1. Soft Hands: hockey news, with a blatant Canuck bias, and a focus on Wellwoodian quirks.  All of us have played ice hockey at a high enough level to provide expert analysis.
2. Sharp Minds: commentary by the Wellwoods members on any topic that catches our fancy.  Ideally, each of us will have our own musings column. 
3. Overall Adorableness: links to things like cat videos.  I hear there's a shortage of cats on the internet.  This must be rectified.

Depending on how things shake out, we may throw all three of the Pillars into a weekly feature.  And of course, we will also have any and all Vancouver Wellwoods news, if and when it happens. 

So there you have it.  Follow us on Twitter @TheWellwoods, and until next time, keep your sticks on the ice and remember that going to the gym causes night blindness.