A new initiative: Wellwoods vs. Cancer

There comes a time in the life of every oddly-named women's street hockey team when it asks itself, "self, where do I go from here?"

Sure, we've had some fun over the years, looked at some cute animals on the internet, sold our shirt sleeves to bachelors, made a couple of Nike parodies featuring chihuahuas... standard stuff, really.  It feels like it's time to do something different.  Something more meaningful.

So we looked deep, deep within ourselves and asked "What Would Kyle Wellwood Do?"  Then after we got back from Marble Slab Creamery (heyo!) we heard about Road Hockey to Conquer Cancer.

It was perfect.  What do we love?  Road hockey.  What do we hate?  Cancer.  We've all been affected by it, some more directly than others, and any little bit we can do to help more people beat it is worthwhile.  So it's official: the Wellwoods will be playing a road hockey marathon this October to raise funds for cancer research. This task will present two challenges to us:

1) Playing 5 games in one day (I sometimes get winded walking up the escalator, let alone the stairs)

2) Raising $10,000, which is an entry requirement for the event.

We have a few ideas for how we'll raise the money.  Pub nights, car washes, rewarding milestones with fun videos, a Wellwoods calendar, getting people to pledge money for each Canucks playoff win, auctioning off our resident bachelor Ken Johnstone to the highest bidder... and we'll probably do at least some of those over the course of the next few months.  We'll sort out the details when the school year's over and I have time to think again.

That just leaves the final and (in my mind) most important aspect of our new goal: branding.  How can we make our fundraiser for cancer stand out from the plethora of other cancer fundraisers out there.  I puzzled over this for a while, but today I got my answer from a highly unlikely place: Stephen Harper and the Federal Government.  Get ready for it...

That's right.  The government is putting an end to pennies, and we want them.  We are no longer raising $10,000 for cancer research.  We are now raising ONE MILLION PENNIES!

I'll get a donation site up.  You guys start going through your couch cushions.  This summer we're raising a million pennies for a very good cause.  Because a penny saved is a penny not helping to cure cancer.

More info soon!

#PenniesForWellwoods

Breaking down the new Stanley Cup Playoffs ads

Hey friends!

So if you haven't already seen this year's follow-up to the NHL's roaringly successful "History Will be Made" campaign... well... I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news:

There's a saying people use in advertising when a brand's tactics are incredibly heavy-handed and transparent.  We say "your strategy is showing."  And well, this commercial might as well be standing on an open vent with industrial fans blowing its skirt up in the air.

It's obvious what the account executives at DraftFCB were going for when they wrote the brief for this campaign.  They're taking a total left turn from what "History" did and instead of rewarding hockey fans for their knowledge, they're trying to lure in a target that has no interest in hockey whatsoever.  And they want to convince them to watch hockey by essentially telling them that they don't have to watch it.

"It's a bold strategy, Cotton.  Let's see if it pays off for them."

Let's break this down in more detail:

Apathetic, uninterested sounding announcer: "Because it's good to get together over something cold."

Can't really argue with that.  I mean who doesn't like to go out with friends and drink an ice cold glass of OH WAIT I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE.  Isn't hockey that funny game those toothless Canadians play on ice?  And ice is COLD.  I get jokes.

Announcer: "Because it all started as a good excuse to go out on a Wednesday night."

Yeah, because you really need an excuse.  I mean, if you tried something so audacious as to go for wings without the excuse of a sport you don't care about being on TV I would seriously question your motives.  Wings and beer for no reason?  WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE.  Now get back in here and sit down.  Wednesday is Criminal Minds night and you know it. 

Announcer: "Because in hockey, there are two halftimes."

OH THANK GOODNESS.  The less time I have to actually watch hockey the better. Excellent argument, commercial for hockey!  And thanks for dumbing it down by not calling it intermission.  Two halftimes in between three thirds of a hockey game I can understand, but you'd have lost me at anything over three syllables.  Everyone knows that the two halftimes are when the ice maker trucks water the ground and the player guys sharpen the knives on their foot booties.  DUH.

[addendum: at 15 seconds in, we see a shot of what appears to be Mason Raymond in a Sedin jersey next to a man in the fetal position, and they're sitting in front of a wall covered in newspaper cutouts of hockey articles.  I'm gonna go out on a limb and hazard a guess that no adult male on the planet decorates his living room with cut up newspaper, except serial killers.  We're through the looking glass here, people.  MayRay's doppleganger and his pillow-hugging accomplice are going to try to murder the New York Rangers.] 

Anyway, where was I... oh right.

Announcer: "Because when someone's playing every night, that means you can too."

Note that they went with the word "someone".  Not "your team".  Because we've already established that you don't give a flying [care] about hockey.  You're just a weirdo with a drinking problem who needs to be told when you can and can't leave your creepy newspaper dungeon to go pretend to watch a sport, then drive home drunk in your Sharks jersey.  

I think that's the final "get it" moment of the ad... anyone who believes that the Sharks won't choke has clearly never seen hockey before!

Announcer: "Because it's the Cup.  The 2012 Stanley Cup Playoffs.  Starting April 11th." And then they show 3 different NBC logos.  I can practically hear the client:

 "show ALL THE LOGOS!"

In summary, you should probably watch the 2012 Stanley Cup Thingys on NBC.  

Because drinking.  

Because America.  

Because BECAUSE.

We have a winner(s)!

Thanks again to all who emailed us offers for sponsorship.  After careful consideration, we were torn between two arm patches, so we've decided to go with both of them.  Our new sponsor is...

*drumroll*

BCdiabetes.ca!

I was a bit wary at first of having our anti-training philosophy sponsored by a fine and upstanding organization such as this, but the idea grew on me the more I thought about it. This logo will be proudly displayed on the same jerseys as our inverted McDonalds 'M', which is fairly ironic in itself.  And I love me some delicious ironing.  Then there's the awesome tagline: "Excellence in Diabetes." I think we can all agree that no matter what we do, excellence is the goal.  But at the heart it's just a great cause - providing no-cost treatment to diabetic patients across BC. As we used to say in the 90's: you GO, BCdiabetes.ca!

BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE!

Our second sponsor is:

*drumroll*

Ken Johnson!

"Haaaaave you met Ken?"

Ken Johnson is a nice young man who works for BC Ferries and has two adorable cats. He's an educated non-smoking Canucks fan, and he emailed us with a simple request: to help him find a lady friend. And Ken, you've come to the right place. We're going to put an "ASK US ABOUT KEN JOHNSON" patch on the same sleeve as diabetes.ca, you know, to balance our all the serious illness stuff with a bit of classic Wellwoodian Weirdness. We won't rest until we find Ken his perfect match, then crash his wedding. Open bar please, Ken.

AND FINALLY:

As promised, for helping us out in our quest for sponsorship, we are rewarding our left shoulders to the wonderful Bloggers slash Demi-Gods over at Pass It To Bulis. May they live forever and never stop being hilarious. For helping us to defeat Dylan and his infamous S.L.A.P. Coalition in their quest to have "Shut Up Morgan" be the only bid, we are forever indebted to PITB.

A similar thank you also goes out to our honourable mention: Sanjay "The Man-jay" over at @WeAllBleedRedd. He's one of our favourite Tweeps, was our third-place finisher and was similarly committed to thwarting S.L.A.P. should we fail to find corporate representation. 

I'll post pics of our jerseys as soon as they're printed!

EDIT: I have just received word that our Bachelor Extraordinaire, Ken Johnson, is diabetic. Talk about a perfect sponsor combo!

Good news everyone! We're selling out!

We've been around for a few years now and it's time for us to upgrade to some spiffy new uniforms.  Mainly because I'm tired of going through the rigmarole of ordering blank baby-blue shirts, then printing, cutting out and ironing on our logos whenever we get a new player.  Yep, jerseys are the way to go.

Don't miss your chance to get your company logo printed on our shoulder patch!  For a mere $300 (to cover the cost of jerseys for the team) your full-colour logo (or personal message!) will be seen by thousands of spectators at Play On street hockey tournaments, and charity events such as Five Hole For Food and Road Hockey to Conquer Cancer.  We've also been known to get the occasional shout out from the Vancouver Sun's resident Super-Geniuses: Pass It To Bulis!  After last year's playoffs, Canucks Fans everywhere know who we are.  And let's not forget the thousands of YouTube views.

Who are we looking for?

• Pubs (our favourites include the Coppertank on Broadway and the Cove at 4th & Alma)
• Breweries (Granville Island, we're looking in your direction.)
• Sandwicheries. Or maybe even specific Sandwiches.  I think "The Vancouver Wellwoods - Brought to you by that awesome pulled pork sandwich from that cart downtown somewhere" has a nice ring to it.
• Pie Shops 
• Assorted Food Emporia (but not Capers.  I'm scared to go in there.)
• Things so Obscure They're Bound to Get Attention - i.e. "The Vancouver Wellwoods - Brought to you by Hal's Printer Cartridge Exchange Service!"

Who are we willing to settle for?

• As I type this, an evil conglomerate of my idiot friends is forming with a single goal - to get "Shut up, Morgan!" printed on our arm patches.  And if there are no other takers I will be forced to accept their offer. 

So there you have it!  This may be your only chance to be immortalized in Women's Street Hockey History.  And deep down, isn't that what we all strive for?

vancouver.wellwoods@gmail.com

Wellwoods Origins: Tales from the Waybackwhen (Volume 1)

 Warning - this story takes place before POGs were a thing.

I was recently asked by the fine folks at HNIC's Play On! to write a blog post about my most memorable street hockey moment for a contest they're running.  I had lots to choose from, but after much deliberation the obvious choice was to go ALL the way back to the fateful day in 1992 when I had my very first encounter of the street hockey kind.  Here's my 500-word entry:

My First Street Hockey Game
by Morgan Tierney

My love-affair with the game began at the tender age of 7.  My family had just moved from a busy street in the city to a house way out in the ‘burbs.  I vividly remember spending my first night in that house, surrounded by scary stacks of cardboard boxes.  In the morning I was awoken by a sound I’d never heard before – the clatter of hockey sticks on pavement.  Being a somewhat “alarmist” child, I automatically assumed that aliens were behind it and that we were all going to die.  I got dressed and crept out onto the front lawn to investigate. 

It probably didn’t take my neighbours’ kids long to notice the tiny girl gawking at them bug-eyed, but they played on as though I was invisible.  I had never seen anything like this before – children playing in the street?  Unsupervised?  Did they even have parents?  Were they feral?  Should I call the police???  The whole thing was too much for my poor little brain to handle, so I just stood there, frozen and mute. 

In the minutes that followed, I became absolutely fascinated by the game.  The dekes, the shots, the flurries of activity in between yelling “Car!” ...I didn’t understand any of it, but it was hypnotic.  Now that I knew these wild Street Children weren’t a threat, I had one goal and one goal only.  I had to get in on this.

“Can I play?”  I squeaked, inaudibly. 

Shockingly, they didn’t hear me.

Gaining a bit of courage, I walked out onto the street, into the middle of the game.  I figured that if my neon-yellow 90’s windbreaker didn’t attract their attention, my purple tie-dye baseball cap definitely would. (did I mention that I was a really, really cool kid?)

Sure enough, someone yelled “Time out!” and the game stopped before I could get trampled.  The boy who I assumed was their leader came over and looked down at the scrawny girl who had wandered into their game.  He was 10 years old, but at the time I guessed he had to be at least 18.  I was terrified.

“Can I play?” I’m actually not sure if the words came out or if I just mouthed them.

And that’s when that 10-year-old boy looked me right into my Extra-Thick Nerd Glasses® and said four words – words that would change my life forever.  Four words that still echo in my brain every time I uncover a mysterious bruise, or twitch myself awake in the middle of the night.  Four words that would kick off thousands of hours spent outside in the dead of winter, playing a game that would only end when the sun went down on or when I got hurt by the ball.

“You can be goalie.”

Why I'm glad Schneider's starting tomorrow (and it's nothing against Luongo!)

Here are some words that rhyme with Cory:
Story, Glory, Allegory, Montessori...  

Okay fine, I'll bite.

For the past few months I've been patiently listening in on the debates about the relative merits of playing Lu or Schneider in various situations. I've heard every argument in the book, from the curiously popular "We need to parade Schneids around the league so we can trade him" to the tinfoil-hat-wearing "Lu will obviously hurt himself if he plays nooners because it happened that one time." I've even had the unfortunate experience of falling asleep in the third period while listening to the game on the TEAM 1040 (damn you, three hour time difference), only to wake up at 3am realizing that my subconscious has been taking in the post-game show for 2+ hours. Nobody wants to wake up to the sound of "Mike from Surrey" providing his thoughtful insight on goaltending. It's truly the stuff of nightmares. And it's even worse when you're a goalie like I am.

I support AV's decision to play Schneider against Boston, but not for the reasons that most people will cite. I don't believe that it's about "protecting Luongo" from a hostile environment. Lu is a grown man, not a rescue puppy. I don't think it's because of a lack of trust in Lu, either - the guy's coming off a very solid shutout, and his often-shaky glove hand has been steady of late. And I certainly don't think this should be about "showcasing" Cory for a trade. Those who know me are familiar with my stance on trading goalies, i.e. NEVER EVER TRADE A GOOD GOALIE EVER. Anyone who disagrees never experienced the Snow/Essensa/Weekes/Potvin/Cloutier years *throws salt over shoulder*. No, I support this move simply because I'm not heartless - playing in Boston, in front of friends and family, will mean the freaking world to Cory Schneider.

I think that sometimes as fans we forget that NHLers are real people. They turn into numbers on a page and we forget that they're an awful lot like the rest of us humans. I was a backup goalie for several years at UBC, and let me tell you, no matter how selfless and diplomatic you try to be, there are times when you're absolutely jumping out of your skin on the bench, wanting to be in the game. I think that as a goalie there'd be something seriously wrong with you if you wouldn't trade your figurative left nut for that tap on the shoulder. It would be torturous for Schenider if he had to sit this one out on the bench. The kid's been working like a dog all year, so let's throw him a bone already!

In summary: while playing Luongo could be perceived by some as a risk, going with Schneider is a golden opportunity. I predict a great game from #35 tomorrow.

A Wellwood Abroad presents: The Day the Muppets Were a LIE.

So a funny thing happened to me yesterday.

First, the backstory: I had made tentative plans over Facebook with Haleigh (a fellow Wellwood who is also stuck in Toronto for the year) to go see the Muppets this week.  I was having a stressful few weeks of school, needed a break from reality, and a Muppet movie sounded like just the ticket.  She suggested Wednesday.  I concurred, looked up showtimes, and suggested an 8pm show downtown, since I finish class at 6.  Then I didn't hear from her for a couple days and forgot about it.

Flash forward to Wednesday at 5:45pm.  I was in my Mac Applications class flipping through fonts.  I had long-since given up on any Muppet plans, having texted Haleigh a couple of times and not heard back.  But suddently, a wild Facebook message appeared:

Had I been thinking clearly, this would have raised several questions:

1. Why is the Muppets playing at the CBC building?
2. Why is Haleigh making me race downtown to the 7pm show when there are plenty of later ones?
3. How the H-E-doublehockeysticks am I going to get from my campus on the lakeshore to the CBC building in under an hour???

But I didn't ask any of those questions.  Maybe it was the 3.5 hours of staring at typefaces, or the 10 hours of school, or the fact that I hadn't eaten anything but a muffin all day, but in my mind, the time for asking questions was over.  It was time for Muppets, goddammit.  POPCORN AND MUPPETS.

Cue Amazing Race Mode.  I ran to the bus stop, took a bus to the subway, then took the subway all the way downtown, transferred to a different subway, got to King Station and started running towards the CBC headquarters.  I realized there was no way I could make it in time, so on the way I messaged Haleigh suggesting that we should go to an 8:00 show instead.  This was her response via text message:

"Lol, it is an event so Sami was invited and bringing us...
just be there by quarter to."

This should have raised several more valid questions.  

I knew that "Sami" was Sami Jo Small (former Team Canada goalie, slash Haleigh Callison's housemate), and that she probably gets invited to stuff pretty regularly, but why a Muppets premiere?  And wasn't the Muppets premiere a week ago??  And why would there be a Muppets event at the CBC?   And why did my suggestion of a different showtime get a 'lol' response???  I should have asked all of these, but it was already 7:00, so instead of using my brain, I just ran faster.  All I could think about was what a hilarious combo Kermit the Frog and Jason Segel would make. 

After asking several Torontonians for directions, I charged through the doors at the CBC and the lobby was empty.  Everyone was already inside the theatre.  I quickly told the check-in table I was with Sami Jo Small, grabbed a program, checked my coat and backpack, and entered the darkened theatre.  Whatever was on the screen definitely wasn't the Muppets.  "Whew!" I thought, "I didn't even miss all the previews!"  

The theatre was packed and dark, so I knew I couldn't possibly find Haleigh and Sami.  I took a seat in the back row and caught my breath.  The preview I was watching was about a Norwegian speed skater at the Lillehammer Olympics.  "Weird," I mused to myself, "must be a trailer for a CBC documentary or something."  It took me a good 10 minutes before I finally sensed that something was amiss.  

Then it dawned on me.  "Wait a minute... this is an awfully well-dressed crowd for a Muppet movie... and why am I watching an African child assemble a machine gun?"  

My eyes had adjusted to the darkness, revealing that everyone around me was in suits and ties.  I felt my stomach drop... where the heck was I??  With extreme caution, I nervously glanced down at the program in my lap that I hadn't bothered to look at yet.

It wasn't a program.  It was a donation form.

I was at a fundraiser for Right To Play.

Damn you, Haleigh Callison.  Damn you.

And now here I am, a day later, more acutely aware than ever that the world is full of suffering, more stressed out about school than ever, and worst of all, I still haven't seen the Muppets.